Big Girls Don't Cry

Rather, can't cry.


That's right, I can't cry. Now I've been accused of lacking emotion a few times in my life, but this is ridiculous. I'm thinking I have some sort of sinus infection because I feel really clogged, and one of the additional issues is this overwhelming heaviness around my eyes, similar to allergies, but mostly like that sensation you get when you're trying to fight back tears. I don't have a lot of practice with that one, being one of those stubborn and emotionless creatures who seriously has never been much of a crier, but I do suddenly feel like I need to cry, but I can't. I can't cry.


I've tried everything. Out of pure desperation, I even laid down on the couch and turned the television on (which is a big step for me) and turned it to the Lifetime Movie Network (egads, right?) and some sappy movie was on, just as I'd guessed (because do they show anything else?) and I could not cry. And it was one of those ones about foster kids. I mean, even someone reserved and hateful like me should be able to cry over foster kids with a drug addicted mother, right? Wrong. I could not cry. Not even a drop. And I wanted to. I really thought it'd help. I was desperate, I tell you. Desperate.


When Lifetime wouldn't work, I knew I was stuck. But I was still determined. I thought about the darkest days of my life. I thought about how it felt the first two times Dubbya was elected. I thought about even more saddening thoughts, and hypothetically traumatizing questions like what if my political candidate choices hadn't won? I thought about what life would be like if I couldn't eat chocolate again. I even thought about the day Sinatra died, and I promised I'd never go there again.


And then when morose wasn't working, I went to happy thoughts like the day my Bailey was born. Nothing. Not a thing. I thought about the night I laughed myself to tears during the movie Sweet November (possibly one of the worst ever) all because I had glanced over and saw a certain man (and I'm not one to name names) crying, yes crying and I just lost it. I was laughing so hard that everybody in the theatre was looking at me. But at least my eyes were just as red from tears as everybody else, just a different sort of tears. But not even that day could make me cry. Severely depressing didn't work, happiest day of my life didn't work. And I just knew that if I could cry, I'd feel better. I just knew it.


Well, I still can't cry. I'm still some empty vessel, deprived of emotion, or at least the ability to show emotion. The only difference, my eyes probably look like I've spent weeks crying, which isn't normal, so perhaps that's a plus that I look capable of emotion. I at least look like just another emotional and hormonal mother who watches Lifetime movies with a box of Kleenex at her side. (Yeah, I can't picture that being me either, but I had to put it out there.)


It's never bothered me much before that I don't cry at every little thing, even though, I am just as guilty as the next person to occasionally cry through an awful movie or at some sappy ending. Honest. It's happened a few times. I just don't cry on demand or during those moments when most normal people cry, those times it's expected of you. Call me a rebel or something, but it doesn't make me cry. But if I could cry right now, like I wish I could, I would, believe me. Because this sinus infection and lack of tearing thing is worth a box of Kleenex. I'd cry just to be able to cry.


Maybe watching Tears of Endearment would help....