An Answer to the Best of Questions

This past week, Melle asked an intriguing question I don't think anyone else has ever asked me before.  No, I've been asked that one, but nice try.  Hers was much better.  She asked me, "Did you always know you wanted to be a mother?"  I told her "of course not," but I want to answer in even better detail.  Being that this IS Bailey's blog and all, this does qualify as important information pertaining to my beautiful 18-months-old-as-of-Friday child.

Sure, when I was a kid, I probably wanted children, or thought I did.  But I was a kid, and society does its best to drill into little girls' heads that when they get older, they get to procreate and cook and be happy little Suzy homemakers.  You can deny it all you want, Devil's Advocate, but it's true.  By high school, who knows what I wanted, I have long since forgotten that girl, but I remember the girl even 5 years ago, and no, she did not want children.  Then again, once again, she didn't know what she wanted either and in no way, shape, or form was prepared for motherhood.  She wouldn’t have even considered it.

One day out of the blue, yet gradual too, Daddy and Mommy somehow came to this conclusion that they wanted a child, as in only one.  You don't need specific details, but we thought in some way, maybe we would be good parents, or maybe we just thought we were bored and needed someone or something to spice it up.  Ha. 

I was a woman on a mission when I wanted to be pregnant.  Of course, no one really knew that, except maybe a couple people.  I'm very private about most things, and this qualified as personal and private in every way.  I was focused and ready for battle.  I get easily obsessed with things and well, this was definitely one of those things.  Plus, I had a doctor who gave me discouraging news, which luckily, later was proven to be false.

After a lot of focused energy and telling everyone I didn't want children (including my mother-in-law), I was not a happy person.  I had to ease up, but it was still there.  It was there so heavy that I started to ask myself a very important question: "Did I actually want a child, or do I just want to prove I can conceive because I like challenges?"  This question disturbed me because unlike a lot of questions, I couldn't answer it.  I'm not a gambling person, so this was a very scary path for me because I honestly wasn't going to know the answer until I did indeed get pregnant.

My answer came gloriously by the aid of a single drop of urine and two pink lines, because I didn't think to myself, "the doctor WAS wrong," I thought instead, “I’m having a baby!”  Of course, I later did point fingers, but that’s all in the past and that moment begun the most amazing adventure I have ever been on and I haven’t second guessed myself since.

There’s certainly no reason to. 

 

 

I will add this though; I’ve never been more vulnerable as a human being as I am being a mother.  I’ve also never been luckier.